Question...

 I don't understand the dating world here in Chicago. Back in Charleston, things seemed to be easier for me to get asked out on a date, but for some reason up here I find that I am the one who has to ask. In no way am I trying to be conceded by saying that I should be getting asked out everywhere that I go, but I am definitely saying that it shouldn't come to the moment where I am asking out a guy, who is clearly interested in me. In Charleston all I had to do was look coyly and flash a smile here or there and I would catch a guy's eye and eventually he would come over or we would pass each other at some point in the night and he would stop me. Those tricks don't seem to be working for me up here. I've

had a few of my city friends here tell me that it is because there are too many women here for me to compete with and that seems like a reasonable excuse. But I don't even see the men here approaching any of the women here, its like they are scared of them or like we are back in 4th grade and us girls have cooties. Whatever happened to the days where men acted like men and women appreciated their machismo. Now, I'm not saying that I want a guy to knock me over the head, drag me into his cave, and have his way with me, but it would be nice if a guy would at least make some kind of effort. I feel as though I went from one extreme to another, at El Cid (many of my female classmates can agree) though the men acted like men to their girlfriends they treated their female classmates like men or even less. Therefore, I expected that after graduating from the Cid I will be able to experience the same gentlemanly qualities that I saw my male classmates use when they were courting their "Sallys". However, here in the city, away from my past militant life, I was hoping that at least one guy to see and treat me like a lady. I'm not knocking the fact that it may be because of the way that I carry myself that I may not experience those same treatments as my fellow women but, as I stated before, I'm not seeing men in Chicago treat women like ladies anywhere. I don't see doors being opened or held. I don't see men offering to carry heavy objects. I don't see men asking women for their name and occupation and striking up a conversation before they ask for their phone number. What I do see and experience, are guys grinding on me at a club without asking me to dance, guys telling me that I have nice legs before even looking at my face, guys asking me for my phone number from a moving vehicle, and--my absolute favorite--guys beating me to the door and watching it close in front of me without even making an attempt to hold it open. I have no intention of bashing all the men in the Chicago area for the careless acts of, well...most, because I am not. I know that not all men are like how I've described, but I want it to be known to those that are like this, that though us women are strong and independent, doesn't mean that we don't appreciate it when a door is opened and held, a heavy item is lifted, and a name asked before a number. So if you are like some of the men that I described just know that not all women react the same way to your game and if you are more of the gentleman type, I want to thank you and ask...will you please teach those who aren't? If only...

Do you paint with all your heart?



"Sadness"

 These are some of my attempts at art. Each painting or photo was done at many sad points throughout the past few months for me. I am slowly learning how to express my feelings and so far this is the best way that I know how to do so without screaming or crying.  Please enjoy and let me know what you think about them. What I am watching/listening to.


"Rendition"




"Angry Love"


The painting above is for a a guy I hope that I can call a friend. He doesn't know it but I like him in a way I haven't felt since elementary school. I have a secret crush and its really weird saying that when you are 24 and the guy barely knows who you are. I guess thats what makes it a secret. And no it is not a celebrity...well at least not yet. :-)

"Memphis Peeking"

Imagine this...

A song from my fav band that expresses my feelings

A lot has changed since I last wrote in this blog. Some things are for the better and some may seem worse but I have hopes that everything will work out in the end. A quick update: I am back in my hometown of Chicago or the "Second City" as many natives would like to call it. I love it here and I am happy to be back in the big city but something is missing. Well, I am currently jobless, boyfriendless and living with my parents so you would think that those are the reasons why I feel like my life is incomplete. And, honestly, I'm sure that those reasons have something to do with this empty feeling but, when it comes down to it they are really nothing that I haven't experienced in my 6 years in Charleston.

Every night I have to force myself to fall asleep and every morning I have to force myself to wake. I don't feel depressed if that is what you all think. I just feel empty. As though life is passing me by and as much as I want to join in I don't. I can tell you one thing that I do want the most right now and that is love. I am in love with the ideal man who doesn't exist. He is formed from pieces of all the men in my life. And I fear that no matter how hard I search for my dream guy, in the end he will always be a part of my imagination. The one that I only see in my dreams but is faceless. He is the reason why I don't want to sleep because he haunts my dreams. And he is the reason why I don't want to wake, because I know that he isn't real. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be lovelorn for someone who doesn't exist? Can you feel my heartbreaking every second?

Back to the Drawing Board

My time with him was interesting to say the least. I never know what he is thinking. I need something more from him I just don't know how to tell him what it is that I actually need. Hell, I barely even know. Three years...three years and there are still things that we are finding out about each other. But, there are still many times when I doubt the longevity of our relationship. Then something happens, a look, just one that's all it takes. And everytime...it takes my breath away. He takes my breath away. How can that be? When did this happen?

Here Goes Nothing

I am flying to see him right now. Its strange, we've known each other for so long but for whatever reason, I'm nervous. Anxious, I guess. You know that strange funny feeling you get in the pit of your stomach on the first day of school. The one where you are excited to see your friends and nervous to meet your new teacher but you are also strangely calm. Like you're trying to hide your feelings because you're afraid that if you let loose just a little who knows what will happen. I wonder if he feels this way when he is coming to see me. I'll tell you one thing, flying is a very beautiful thing. Everything about it is so unreal. You really begin to realize how big the world truly is. I would love to see what space is like. I think we might be landing soon. They just turned on the seat belt light. Its funny, every time that light goes on  I always picture people frantically putting on their seat belts like they will be severely punished if they don't do so in a timely manner. We are getting closer to the ground now. I still can't see the people below but we are no longer above the clouds. I think we are flying over the Potomac right now. We'll be landing shortly and he will be waiting. Here goes nothing.